Having been out of college for roughly four months, I think I now understand every aspect of this little thing we call life. There are certain facts that you can’t understand until you’re in the real world, like the fact that some fruits are better dried or that palm trees aren’t even trees. What else have I been lied to about, huh? Are Prairie Dogs even dogs? Is Catwoman even a cat? I can only take so much dishonesty. That’s why I made this list, to really iron out the things that are unequivocally true. Just try to argue with me on these and I will immediately cover my ears and hold my breath because buddy, I don’t wanna hear it.
Automatic Payments are carefully calculated to hit at the worst possible time. Thanks a lot Adobe Creative Suite, I guess I didn’t need to eat this week anyway.
Diamonds Aren’t a Girl's Best Friend. Diamonds are my best friend. And I don’t really like it when you guys hang out.
Rock Climbing is really hard. I know it looks easy but try it. “It's just a rock how hard could it be?” Shut up Derick, you play Lacrosse.
Money isn’t real. It’s just a piece of paper, am I right? Unless I somehow have a lot of it then it is the only thing that exists and if you try to take it from me I will throw you into my moat that I hopefully have.
Eating out a lot is good for the economy. I’m sorry for trying to save this country one fried chicken sandwich at a time. Someones gotta do it.
Evolution is a myth. Nah that one's actually real, but if I watch a few more episodes of Ancient Aliens I might have some questions.
Some people aren’t going to like you. And what do we say to those people? “Pretty please can you like me I will do anything”. At least that’s what I do. Results are varied.
Family Matters is better than Full House. Where's their Netflix sequel series? “Family Really Matters”. It just rolls off the tongue. Jaleel deserves better.
The General commercials are art. Just because you don’t get it doesn’t mean it's not true. Why is Shaq there? Why is there a small animated war veteran selling me car insurance? Why is their jingle so catchy? Why are you singing it in your head right now? Art.
For a great low rate you can get on line, go to the general and save some time. Damn it, it's still stuck in my head. Someone put on the JG Wentworth jingle right now.
Danny Phantom never happened. It was nothing more than a collective fever dream, an allegory for our fleeting sense of youth disappearing, much like a ghost. Don’t try to google it, you’re wasting your time.
Randy Newman Loves LA. He loves it! You might not but he does.
Your dog isn’t going to become Instagram famous. I mean mine could, but that's because he is the goodest boy.
Dancing with the stars will outlive you. “That shows still on?”, that's you on your deathbed. They got the monster from Stranger Things this season, should be a doozy.
If you have over three fast food apps on your phone, it's become a problem. No judgment but it’s definitely something to keep an eye on.
Fourloko is probably made of asbestos and there's no way for us to know. If you or a loved one has consumed a fourloko Gold, you may be entitled to compensation.
Emailing is hard. Don’t get me wrong, I like talking like its 1836 as much as the next guy, it just gets exhausting you know?
Fly Fishing isn’t fishing for flies. I know that would be way cooler, but think about the precision it would require, it’s just not feasible.
Salmonella isn’t just another name for a female salmon. Do not say that you got salmonella at the Pike Place Market, I learned this the hard way.