Signs of the upcoming apocalypse

Listen, I don’t want to get all doom and gloom, but the end times are here. The writings on the wall people, The Mayans may have been off by about eight years but I think we can give them a little credit because they pretty much nailed it. Last I checked we have one current Pandemic with two waiting on deck, biding their time until it’s their moment to shine. Those others being the Swine Flu (could be worse) and The Bubonic Plague (oh shit). My hope is that these viruses duke it out in a Pacific Rim style duel for who gets to wipe out humanity. It would be a pretty cool way to go out, and ticket prices would be great for SeatGeek shareholders so basically a win-win. Deadly viruses aside, there are plenty of other tell-tale signs that we are not long for this earth, many of which slip right past the public eye. Luckily, my keen sense of observation alongside my nihilistic pessimism has given me some great insight into these growing threats and red flags of our impending doom, which I will detail below. 

90 Day Fiance

Throughout history, great Empires have risen and fallen. The cycle of history leaves these great dynasties vanquished by the ashes of time, a relic to the dominating forces which dictate our societies since the beginning of time. Some say we should fear China or Russia, the sites of two great empires which have ruled our planet throughout their reign. I say our eyes should be set towards a new ship on the horizon, a ship whose sails are crafted from K-1 Visas and whose roaring engine is powered by humans unrelenting need for attention. Right before our eyes, the 90 Day Fiance empire has become too big to fail, a testament to what can be gained by monetizing love, greed, and all around inane behavior. What started as one show has blossomed into a tangled web of self referential content with no end insight, a snowball which continues to gain momentum as it rolls down the decline of our society. 

Climate Change

Climate Change is like a ticking time bomb that we have collectively decided to throw in the trash in order to defuse bombs that appear to have already exploded. It doesn’t help that half the people say the bomb isn’t real, or that there are no wire cutters in sight, but I’m thinking we should probably at least check on it to make sure it's not going off anytime soon. Maybe that's why people in Florida don’t really care about Coronavirus, I mean half the state will be underwater in a decade or so and I don’t think the virus affects fish, so checkmate libs.

Kings of Leon

Seriously, where the hell are you guys? You’re just gonna drop ‘Sex on Fire’ and ‘Use Somebody” and dip? Did you not think there would be consequences? This loss directly paved the way for Imagine Dragons, a sin which history will not look kindly upon. Things could have been so simple, but much like The Avatar, they vanished when the world needed them most. Will they emerge from a large ball of ice in 100 years to save humanity? I doubt it, because based on my last point, there won’t be any ice left. So thanks a lot Kings of Leon.

Aliens

Listen, I’ll stop writing about aliens when they stop being so damn fun to write about, OK? Until then, it's all aliens all the time. Let’s not forget that the US government straight up released UFO footage and it was in the news for maybe a week. I think the world succumbing to an alien annihilation would be a Shyamalan-esque twist that would really cap off a tumultuous two-thousand-and-twentieth season (not even gonna get into the prequels). I think it would also be a great scapegoat because what are you gonna do? Go somewhere else? No, were all doomed together. Kind of heart warming if you think about it.

Automation

The Yang gang tried to warn us, but we didn’t listen. The robots are coming and they’re here to stay, and you know why? Because robots don’t complain about having to wear a facemask, because they’re robots and they can’t get COVID-19. Based on this alone, robots are already smarter than about half of the US population, and probably not too far behind the other half. In fact I’m still not sure I’m tying my shoes correctly and I think a robot could figure that out so I’ll put myself in the behind category. I for one accept the rule of the robots, because I’m sure they’re reading this right now to see who their allies might be if things go south. I’m not one to hop on a bandwagon too easily but this seems like a no-brainer.

Tik Tok

Honestly, if the Chinese government wants my information they can have it. It's not even that good.

SAY HIS NAME

I have been struggling to find the words to properly convey how I feel about the state of this country. “A City on a Hill” we are not, and we clearly never were. Any conviction that the beliefs and ideals of this country are not deeply rooted in white supremacy can not be based in fact, because the evidence is clear. Just look at the way the Covid-19 pandemic disproportionately affected black and brown communities in case you needed more proof that white privilege is a real, tangible thing. That being said, if after the way George Floyd, Brianna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, and countless others were executed in cold blood, you still held doubts about these irrevocable truths, you may be beyond saving. These are more than names, they are human lives. As I was watching George Floyd’s memorial service today, this was something I continued to reflect on. Hearing his family talk about George growing up and the kind of person he was, the respect he had in his community, it made me think about the person behind the message. It made me think about George Floyd the son, George Floyd the brother, and George Floyd the leader. At the end of the day, it shouldn’t matter how good of a person he was, although it was clearly he was well loved. He deserved the right to live just like every other black person, trans person, or any other minority who is disproportionately targeted by those who are sworn to protect them. These are such basic rights that the idea that these are controversial is bewildering to me. 

As a Jewish person, I think it would be offensive to compare the plight of the African American community to that of the Jewish community because as Jews we are not targeted in the same ways as black people. Jews were not made to be slaves in this country, and when those shackles were forced off, made to be prisoners in a corrupt system of legalized slave labor. Jews were not the target of the 16th Street Montgomery Church bombing, or of the Tulsa race riots, or of the Red Summer of 1919. No group has been more maligned, oppressed, or ignored in this country than African Americans. This ignorance and hatred must stop if peace is the goal. Without justice, there is no peace, nor should there be. As a Jewish person, and frankly as a citizen in this so-called free country, I think it's necessary to be staunchly against oppression of any group, and it is clear where our resources need to be at this time. None of us are free until we are all free.

Things I miss

I have not shaved in a month and a half. Is this a good thing? I don’t know, probably not. But it's a project and I’m having fun with it, and don’t we all need a hobby in these trying times? That being said, I kind of miss it. I don’t miss the act of shaving, but I miss having a reason for it, like social interaction or anyone seeing my face besides my family and dog. Although the other day Rocket gave me a look that definitely said ‘alright, enough is enough’. There are bright spots of a quarantine for sure, like tv marathons and weekday wine nights, but even that gets old after a while. There are many things I miss about normal life; happy hours, concerts, looking at my phone while at the gym. Things have gotten so bad that I’m even starting to miss doing things I hate, like when you’re at a restaurant and you see the waiter grab a plate of food but it’s for the table next to you, even though their order looks just like yours. What I wouldn’t give to have that feeling again. Below I have compiled a list of some things I miss, in hopes that someday very soon I will be able to do them again.

• Swimming: I don’t know if pools will ever feel safe again, and that’s coming from someone who has swam in the Willamette River multiple times. 

• Golf: This one isn’t for me, I’m just genuinely concerned for those who do golf. What are they going to do at 5 in the morning now? Sleep? Fat chance, I can hear those John Deere mowers revving up their engines as we speak.

• Basketball: If we still had basketball, things would be a lot better. I’ve started watching simulated 2k games but it’s just not cutting it for me.

• Shared appetizers: I just want some calamari man, is that too much to ask?

• Small talk: Please Sharon, let's talk about the weather. You’re totally right, it has been kinda dry this winter! OK who am I kidding, I don’t miss this one yet. Give me like two weeks. 

• Dentists: What I wouldn’t give to be asked about my summer plans while my gums bleed like they just got shanked. 

• Coffee Shops: That first overpriced iced coffee is going to hit a little different.

• Handshakes: I’ve been told I have a relatively firm handshake but I’m so out of practice what If I pull out the limp noodle? How will my professional career ever recover? 

• Awkward side hugs: I don’t know you well enough for a front hug so let's just touch hips I guess? I don’t know, whatever ends this situation as quickly as possible. 

• Crowded Bars: Wait, did you say twenty dollar cover? Never mind, I’m going back to quarantine.

Kobe

Sports are bigger than all of us. They connect us in a way that few things do, they give us something to represent, a tangible arm of pride for your city, state or country. I always struggle in finding the words to express what sports mean to me, specifically basketball, maybe because I don’t fully comprehend it. At its core it really is just a business, a bunch of guys getting paid to play a game with a lot more folks getting paid along the way. I think what makes it so special for me is the way it makes people feel and brings people together. I’m a sucker for unity, I’ll admit in. It truly is amazing what it can do for a city when a team is playing well. There's a certain buzz around the town, a feeling of excitement and anticipation, a pride for your city and community. No city knows this feeling more than the City of Angels all because of one man: Kobe Bryant. No man has been more of a consistent part of the sport I hold so dearly to my heart since the very moment I first saw it be played. The city of Portland has an interesting, antagonistic history with Kobe and The Lakers. Truthfully, this could be said about damn near every team in the NBA, as he picked on the whole league for two whole decades. I think what makes Portland special in this sense is we always played him close, and his battles with us were some of the major stepping stones to his career. Maybe his most iconic moment was sending us home in the 2000 Western Conference Finals where they went on to beat the Pacers 4-2, one of Kobes five eventual rings. What's truly amazing about this run that Kobe had is that his first ring and fifth ring were separated by ten years. Ten years of championships is not an easy thing to do, and shows that his dominance was transcendent and evolved as he did. It's also very telling, and much like most of kobe's career, very storybook-esque. That's a decade bookmarked by the greatest player of the 2000s, and it's not even close.

It's hard to fully comprehend the sudden and tragic passing of Kobe Bryant, but even more unfathomable is the loss of his daughter Gigi, who he loved more than anything in the world, even basketball. What has given me strength and hope in the days since that horrific moment is the way that the city, and the basketball community as a whole, have come together to celebrate and remember the astounding impact he had on so many in the community and millions more who recognized what he represented and felt connected to him through that. It’s been surreal to see the thousands of people who have poured into the area outside of the Staples Center, an area that will likely be adorned with a statue of the great Bean Bryant, an everlasting testament to his continued excellence in representing the Purple and Gold. It really is a true reminder of the reach that sports have, and the way that they make us feel linked to people we’ve never met. It’s a lesson in humanity and how much more sports are then just a game. As Kobe once said, “Sports are the perfect metaphor for life”. They make us feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. They challenge us and show us greatness, and no one showed us greatness more than Kobe Bryant. January 26th was one of the saddest days for sports in history and will continue to impact and influence the sports world for the foreseeable future. Kobe was everything I love about basketball, and it's hard for me to fathom that the world will keep spinning without him. 

What I Learned Slinging Pizzas

Pizza is as essential to American food culture as any of the other global delicacies that we have blatantly stolen and appropriated to fit our fast-casual, consumerist standards. It might be the tastiest though, so it's got that going for it. Having worked in a Pizza shop, albeit briefly, I have eaten more pizza than most. This is more of a cry for help than a brag, but I take some pride in it. I believe there is a lot to learn about someone from what kind of Pizza they eat. The Pizza shop which I worked at was a “make your own” style personal pizza joint. It was clear to me that for some this was too big of a moment. Some people would choose every topping, which is like ordering everything off of a menu and putting it in a blender and slurping it down. This is a classic example of too many choices being a bad thing, just because it can be done doesn’t mean it should be done. You could go to a mall food court and get Panda Express and Subway, but you definitely should not do that. I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life but that seems a little overboard. With that being said, here is what I learned about people based on their Pizza preferences:

Artichoke Hearts: Truly an underrated gem. Not the most nutritious vegetable, it's better than nothing and tastes good with just about everything. If you like artichoke hearts you probably voted for Hillary, not because she was your favorite candidate, but because you’re not an idiot.

Spinach: You’re trying, that's all that matters.

Basil: You’re not really trying, but its green and tastes good so it keeps up appearances. Good work, you sly fox.

Onions: A classic option, and it shows that you don’t really care if you have bad breath. I respect that.

Bell Peppers: Also a classic, but far less bold. You probably like Friends, but Seinfeld “Isn’t quite your humor”. 

Olives: If you don’t like olives, I don’t know if I trust you. You might be the type of person who likes to play devil's advocate a little too much. I get what you’re going for but you’re on very thin ice. 

Pepperoni: Timeless. You know how to have a good time, but also keep your wits about you.

Bacon: You’re an absolute animal. You don’t care what you’re eating, as long as it tastes like pig back. You might have gotten a bacon tattoo back in 2012 when bacon was the height of comedy. Maybe the Mayans were right.

Jalapenos: Why the hell not, right? Let’s have a good time with it. You probably suggest going to a karaoke bar like every time you go out. Once in awhile is fun but sometimes I just want to drink, alright?

Ranch: A true patriot. You will continue to fight the anti-ranch-on-pizza coalition until the day you die. It will be an uphill battle, but you must continue to fight for what is right. Stay strong soldier.

Pineapple: 90% chance you are a reptilian shapeshifter as no sane human would enjoy such a monstrosity. Leave and don’t ever come back.

Now you may be wondering, can any of this be proven in any way? How can we trust you? Maybe you’re just making things up to fit your narrative. Well, my answer to that is this: Yeah. That’s pretty much it. That being said, if you like pineapples on pizza you deserve the guillotine and that’s not an opinion, that's a fact.