When I was five years old, the life changing film Scooby Doo: The Movie hit theaters across America, and with it ushered in a new era of cinema. Being a five year old, I was immediately intrigued by this movie. A talking dog? A soundtrack featuring Lil Romeo and Simple Plan? A Sugar Ray cameo appearance? I’m down, if my mom says its cool. Sadly, she did, and when I went to the theater nothing could prepare me for the fear I would feel. Looking back, I don’t know exactly what it was which frightened me so much. was it the bad animation? Maybe the spooky monsters? Maybe Mark Mcgrath just didn’t look as screen ready as I would have hoped? Whatever it was, I was cowering under my seat by the second act. To make matters worse, we didn’t leave because my mom was enjoying the movie so much. To this day she still thinks Scrappy Doo should have won an oscar. What I do know now is that I can no longer watch Scooby Doo in any capacity, which is really a shame. I might make an exception for Cyberchase but that's it! Because life can be confusing and since I’ve been really into lists lately, I decided to put together some of my biggest fears. Ya know, just in case Satan is wondering how to put together a great personalized hell for me in my eternal afterlife. A little creativity goes a long way, you little devil.
Trail Mix: Don’t get me wrong, I like nuts. Hell, I even don’t mind a good raisin every now and then. But once you get to the last third of the bag, it should just be called “try to find the M&M” but the jokes on you, the last M&M was eaten before we even made it to the trail. You may be thinking “Wait, what's scary about that?” well how about you hike six miles and then eat a handful of raisins and cashews without shaking uncontrollably.
Lunch Ladies: This one is completely irrational, as they have never been anything but nice to me, I just want to know where they keep that sweet, sweet chocolate milk. Where are you hiding it Sharon? The people need answers.
Mr. Bean: Who even is this guy? Not an actual Bean, so the logical conclusion is a liar.
Crows: A group of crows is literally called a murder, I don’t think you could have a much scarier start than that. A little known theory that I’m advocating for is that a group of crows was behind the Jack the Ripper murders. Just try and imagine a foggy London evening without the cawing of a murder of evil crows.
Fireplaces: So you’re just going to let a fire into your house? Don’t you know that you never let a fire come into your house? Did you not see The Jungle Book? They can’t come in unless they’re invited in you absolute fool! You’ve doomed us all with your greed for warmth.
Rocking Chairs: Why would you have such an easily hauntable item in your home? Might as well get a sign that says ‘ghosts welcome, and encouraged!’.
Dentists-: How did they know I was lying about flossing? That's just downright spooky.
Friends: Some say till this day they can still see them, dancing around and splashing in that fountain without a care in the world. And on an exceptionally clear night, as the full moon shines, some say you can still hear that noise floating through the wind... *Clap Clap Clap Clap*
Stuart Little: Why do we as a species feel we must allow mice to live among us, allowing them into our homes and treating them as family? Is it because we feel bad about testing shampoo on them? If so, alright I guess I get it.
Rich People: Come on, you don’t need all that money. Just give me some I won’t tell anybody it's cool.
Leather Jackets: I’m definitely not just jealous that I can’t pull them off. I’m just saying, do they actually provide any warmth? Or are they just loud.