Pizza is as essential to American food culture as any of the other global delicacies that we have blatantly stolen and appropriated to fit our fast-casual, consumerist standards. It might be the tastiest though, so it's got that going for it. Having worked in a Pizza shop, albeit briefly, I have eaten more pizza than most. This is more of a cry for help than a brag, but I take some pride in it. I believe there is a lot to learn about someone from what kind of Pizza they eat. The Pizza shop which I worked at was a “make your own” style personal pizza joint. It was clear to me that for some this was too big of a moment. Some people would choose every topping, which is like ordering everything off of a menu and putting it in a blender and slurping it down. This is a classic example of too many choices being a bad thing, just because it can be done doesn’t mean it should be done. You could go to a mall food court and get Panda Express and Subway, but you definitely should not do that. I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life but that seems a little overboard. With that being said, here is what I learned about people based on their Pizza preferences:
Artichoke Hearts: Truly an underrated gem. Not the most nutritious vegetable, it's better than nothing and tastes good with just about everything. If you like artichoke hearts you probably voted for Hillary, not because she was your favorite candidate, but because you’re not an idiot.
Spinach: You’re trying, that's all that matters.
Basil: You’re not really trying, but its green and tastes good so it keeps up appearances. Good work, you sly fox.
Onions: A classic option, and it shows that you don’t really care if you have bad breath. I respect that.
Bell Peppers: Also a classic, but far less bold. You probably like Friends, but Seinfeld “Isn’t quite your humor”.
Olives: If you don’t like olives, I don’t know if I trust you. You might be the type of person who likes to play devil's advocate a little too much. I get what you’re going for but you’re on very thin ice.
Pepperoni: Timeless. You know how to have a good time, but also keep your wits about you.
Bacon: You’re an absolute animal. You don’t care what you’re eating, as long as it tastes like pig back. You might have gotten a bacon tattoo back in 2012 when bacon was the height of comedy. Maybe the Mayans were right.
Jalapenos: Why the hell not, right? Let’s have a good time with it. You probably suggest going to a karaoke bar like every time you go out. Once in awhile is fun but sometimes I just want to drink, alright?
Ranch: A true patriot. You will continue to fight the anti-ranch-on-pizza coalition until the day you die. It will be an uphill battle, but you must continue to fight for what is right. Stay strong soldier.
Pineapple: 90% chance you are a reptilian shapeshifter as no sane human would enjoy such a monstrosity. Leave and don’t ever come back.
Now you may be wondering, can any of this be proven in any way? How can we trust you? Maybe you’re just making things up to fit your narrative. Well, my answer to that is this: Yeah. That’s pretty much it. That being said, if you like pineapples on pizza you deserve the guillotine and that’s not an opinion, that's a fact.