It’s 10 PM, do you know what flavor pod your kids are smoking on? This is the future we are slowly hurtling towards, as the idea of a nationwide vape ban has gained some traction. Though it is extremely unlikely, it’s heartwarming to see our nation consider taking action. Definitely not because big tobacco wants to sell more cigarettes, no way. I mean could you imagine if there was anything else this deadly also widely available to the public? Oh wait yeah assault weapons, opioids, alcohol, actual cigarettes, the drinking water in Flint, Michigan. But the difference is that vaping, by targeting teens, directly affects white, suburban moms, who as we all know are not afraid to call the manager. The only difference this time is that the manager is the President of the United States, and he's one of those managers who reeeeaaaaallly likes ‘delegating’. This whole debacle made me think, what other pointless bans could we be enacting? So I decided to make a list of the worst things that exist, and why I would ban them. Because everyone asked for my opinion, right? God I’m full of myself. Here we go!
Promotional Items- I think the world has seen just about enough pointless items with your brand’s name etched into the side as if I’m really trying to rep Wells Fargo on my sunglasses. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t need 37 fidget spinners and brand t shirts. That being said, I do like free stuff but I don’t like free stuff that might as well say ‘throw me in the trash immediately’.
Soft Rock- Let me be clear. This ban would in no way abolish soft rock as a genre. Instead it would ban the further tarnishing of a genre that has so clearly reached its peak. The Eagles already exist, why must we continue to disrespect them and their memory by producing records that could only hope to emulate the perfect mix of electric guitars and nine mimosas? In my America, the only one who would be able to produce soft rock is John Mayer because, I mean, who’s gonna tell that guy what to do? The name of the white house would also be changed to Hotel California and Washington D.C would be renamed Margaritaville in honor of the formal closing of the genre.
Water Parks-Just gross.
Ice Skating- What if the ice breaks you guys? Then what? Don’t expect me to come crawling out of the roller skating rink to fish out your frozen caboose. Field Hockey is now the only acceptable form of hockey. I guess if you’re really stuck on the whole slippery thing you can spray some vegetable oil on the ground, just be careful alright?
Dog Movies-I would like to point out that this is definitely not because they make me cry, ok? I just think its played out, it's been done. And also, why does the dog have to die every time? How about a little creativity on that front, right? Again I’m totally not crying right now, it's just like what the hell, ya know? The only good dog movies are Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch and Beethoven's 2nd, and it's going to stay like that if I have anything to say about it.
Songs over six minutes long- Look I’m a busy guy. The year is 2019, if a video is longer than 30 seconds, I’m probably not going to watch it. Hell, I think I’ve read three full articles this month and two of them were regarding the health of my early round fantasy football draft picks. My point here is that attention spans are dropping at a rapid rate and my brain doesn’t have time for your ‘intricate melodies’ and ‘well arranged soundscapes’. Just give me the damn drop already.