The Power of Story


There is exceptional value in understanding that most people don’t give a shit about you, and this is not a bad thing. Do you remember that one guy from high school? You guys had drama together and he always volunteered to do the improv warm up. Like literally every single time. He wasn’t even good at it, but he did it, and for that you admired him. You remember that guy? Well he probably doesn’t give a shit about you. Nor do you give a shit about him. That's because there are very limited things you can give a shit about at one time. We live in an era with unprecedented access to information, an ever growing pool of data, videos and listicles all vying for our attention. In this sense were lucky, we get to choose what we give a shit about, yet I choose to care about some dumb shit. Some things we choose to care about, however, are thrust upon us. I would love to not care about global warming or our ever shrinking freedoms and liberties on a global scale, yet here we are. What stories do is highlight what we care about and allow us to find a reason. Recently, nature documentaries have shifted their tone. Stories that used to focus on the beauty of nature and wildlife now tend to focus on how this beauty is not sustainable; we are actively working against what we claim to love. These can become almost difficult to watch, it is depressing to consider what is happening around us at our own hands. What is even more depressing, however, is not knowing, because without knowledge we would be blind to this evil. Stories give us evidence, something we can point to and say “this is real, and here's the proof”. 

Something I struggle with is finding the universal truths within my own problems and insecurities. I tend to feel alone, as if no one has experienced life through a lens similar to mine. I think this is why, from a young age, I loved movies and television. They have the innate ability to answer the question I never had the courage to ask: Is it ok to feel like this?” Stories have the power to make us feel human. They let us know that it's ok to be angry, its ok to be sad, and it's ok to find the humor in dark times. This is why I think I’m drawn to storytelling, it connects us all through a universal narrative. It makes it harder to not care about something or to dismiss it because when it becomes a story it becomes more personal, more intimate and more real. There is power in that.


11 Things That Terrify Me


When I was five years old, the life changing film Scooby Doo: The Movie hit theaters across America, and with it ushered in a new era of cinema. Being a five year old, I was immediately intrigued by this movie. A talking dog? A soundtrack featuring Lil Romeo and Simple Plan? A Sugar Ray cameo appearance? I’m down, if my mom says its cool. Sadly, she did, and when I went to the theater nothing could prepare me for the fear I would feel. Looking back, I don’t know exactly what it was which frightened me so much. was it the bad animation? Maybe the spooky monsters? Maybe Mark Mcgrath just didn’t look as screen ready as I would have hoped? Whatever it was, I was cowering under my seat by the second act. To make matters worse, we didn’t leave because my mom was enjoying the movie so much. To this day she still thinks Scrappy Doo should have won an oscar. What I do know now is that I can no longer watch Scooby Doo in any capacity, which is really a shame. I might make an exception for Cyberchase but that's it! Because life can be confusing and since I’ve been really into lists lately, I decided to put together some of my biggest fears. Ya know, just in case Satan is wondering how to put together a great personalized hell for me in my eternal afterlife. A little creativity goes a long way, you little devil.


  1. Trail Mix: Don’t get me wrong, I like nuts. Hell, I even don’t mind a good raisin every now and then. But once you get to the last third of the bag, it should just be called “try to find the M&M” but the jokes on you, the last M&M was eaten before we even made it to the trail. You may be thinking “Wait, what's scary about that?” well how about you hike six miles and then eat a handful of raisins and cashews without shaking uncontrollably.

  2. Lunch Ladies: This one is completely irrational, as they have never been anything but nice to me, I just want to know where they keep that sweet, sweet chocolate milk. Where are you hiding it Sharon? The people need answers.

  3. Mr. Bean: Who even is this guy? Not an actual Bean, so the logical conclusion is a liar. 

  4. Crows: A group of crows is literally called a murder, I don’t think you could have a much scarier start than that. A little known theory that I’m advocating for is that a group of crows was behind the Jack the Ripper murders. Just try and imagine a foggy London evening without the cawing of a murder of evil crows.

  5. Fireplaces: So you’re just going to let a fire into your house? Don’t you know that you never let a fire come into your house? Did you not see The Jungle Book?  They can’t come in unless they’re invited in you absolute fool! You’ve doomed us all with your greed for warmth.

  6. Rocking Chairs:  Why would you have such an easily hauntable item in your home? Might as well get a sign that says ‘ghosts welcome, and encouraged!’.

  7. Dentists-: How did they know I was lying about flossing? That's just downright spooky.

  8. Friends: Some say till this day they can still see them, dancing around and splashing in that fountain without a care in the world. And on an exceptionally clear night, as the full moon shines, some say you can still hear that noise floating through the wind... *Clap Clap Clap Clap*

  9. Stuart Little: Why do we as a species feel we must allow mice to live among us, allowing them into our homes and treating them as family? Is it because we feel bad about testing shampoo on them? If so, alright I guess I get it.

  10. Rich People: Come on, you don’t need all that money. Just give me some I won’t tell anybody it's cool.

  11. Leather Jackets: I’m definitely not just jealous that I can’t pull them off. I’m just saying, do they actually provide any warmth? Or are they just loud.




19 Ineffable truths of life

Having been out of college for roughly four months, I think I now understand every aspect of this little thing we call life. There are certain facts that you can’t understand until you’re in the real world, like the fact that some fruits are better dried or that palm trees aren’t even trees. What else have I been lied to about, huh? Are Prairie Dogs even dogs? Is Catwoman even a cat? I can only take so much dishonesty. That’s why I made this list, to really iron out the things that are unequivocally true. Just try to argue with me on these and I will immediately cover my ears and hold my breath because buddy, I don’t wanna hear it.


  1. Automatic Payments are carefully calculated to hit at the worst possible time. Thanks a lot Adobe Creative Suite, I guess I didn’t need to eat this week anyway.

  2. Diamonds Aren’t a Girl's Best Friend. Diamonds are my best friend. And I don’t really like it when you guys hang out.

  3. Rock Climbing is really hard. I know it looks easy but try it. “It's just a rock how hard could it be?” Shut up Derick, you play Lacrosse.

  4. Money isn’t real. It’s just a piece of paper, am I right? Unless I somehow have a lot of it then it is the only thing that exists and if you try to take it from me I will throw you into my moat that I hopefully have. 

  5. Eating out a lot is good for the economy. I’m sorry for trying to save this country one fried chicken sandwich at a time. Someones gotta do it.

  6. Evolution is a myth. Nah that one's actually real, but if I watch a few more episodes of Ancient Aliens I might have some questions.

  7. Some people aren’t going to like you. And what do we say to those people? “Pretty please can you like me I will do anything”. At least that’s what I do. Results are varied.

  8. Family Matters is better than Full House.  Where's their Netflix sequel series? “Family Really Matters”. It just rolls off the tongue. Jaleel deserves better.

  9. The General commercials are art. Just because you don’t get it doesn’t mean it's not true. Why is Shaq there? Why is there a small animated war veteran selling me car insurance? Why is their jingle so catchy? Why are you singing it in your head right now? Art.

  10. For a great low rate you can get on line, go to the general and save some time. Damn it, it's still stuck in my head. Someone put on the JG Wentworth jingle right now.

  11. Danny Phantom never happened. It was nothing more than a collective fever dream, an allegory for our fleeting sense of youth disappearing, much like a ghost. Don’t try to google it, you’re wasting your time.

  12. Randy Newman Loves LA. He loves it! You might not but he does.

  13. Your dog isn’t going to become Instagram famous. I mean mine could, but that's because he is the goodest boy.

  14. Dancing with the stars will outlive you. “That shows still on?”, that's you on your deathbed. They got the monster from Stranger Things this season, should be a doozy.

  15. If you have over three fast food apps on your phone, it's become a problem. No judgment but it’s definitely something to keep an eye on.

  16. Fourloko is probably made of asbestos and there's no way for us to know. If you or a loved one has consumed a fourloko Gold, you may be entitled to compensation.

  17. Emailing is hard. Don’t get me wrong, I like talking like its 1836 as much as the next guy, it just gets exhausting you know?

  18. Fly Fishing isn’t fishing for flies. I know that would be way cooler, but think about the precision it would require, it’s just not feasible.

  19. Salmonella isn’t just another name for a female salmon. Do not say that you got salmonella at the Pike Place Market, I learned this the hard way.


Banned Together: My Vision for America

It’s 10 PM, do you know what flavor pod your kids are smoking on? This is the future we are slowly hurtling towards, as the idea of a nationwide vape ban has gained some traction. Though it is extremely unlikely, it’s heartwarming to see our nation consider taking action. Definitely not because big tobacco wants to sell more cigarettes, no way. I mean could you imagine if there was anything else this deadly also widely available to the public? Oh wait yeah assault weapons, opioids, alcohol, actual cigarettes, the drinking water in Flint, Michigan. But the difference is that vaping, by targeting teens, directly affects white, suburban moms, who as we all know are not afraid to call the manager. The only difference this time is that the manager is the President of the United States, and he's one of those managers who reeeeaaaaallly likes ‘delegating’. This whole debacle made me think, what other pointless bans could we be enacting? So I decided to make a list of the worst things that exist, and why I would ban them. Because everyone asked for my opinion, right? God I’m full of myself. Here we go!


  1. Promotional Items- I think the world has seen just about enough pointless items with your brand’s name etched into the side as if I’m really trying to rep Wells Fargo on my sunglasses. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t need 37 fidget spinners and brand t shirts. That being said, I do like free stuff but I don’t like free stuff that might as well say ‘throw me in the trash immediately’.  

  2. Soft Rock- Let me be clear. This ban would in no way abolish soft rock as a genre. Instead it would ban the further tarnishing of a genre that has so clearly reached its peak. The Eagles already exist, why must we continue to disrespect them and their memory by producing records that could only hope to emulate the perfect mix of electric guitars and nine mimosas? In my America, the only one who would be able to produce soft rock is John Mayer because, I mean, who’s gonna tell that guy what to do? The name of the white house would also be changed to Hotel California and Washington D.C would be renamed Margaritaville in honor of the formal closing of the genre.

  3. Water Parks-Just gross. 

  4. Ice Skating- What if the ice breaks you guys? Then what? Don’t expect me to come crawling out of the roller skating rink to fish out your frozen caboose. Field Hockey is now the only acceptable form of hockey. I guess if you’re really stuck on the whole slippery thing you can spray some vegetable oil on the ground, just be careful alright?

  5. Dog Movies-I would like to point out that this is definitely not because they make me cry, ok? I just think its played out, it's been done. And also, why does the dog have to die every time? How about a little creativity on that front, right? Again I’m totally not crying right now, it's just like what the hell, ya know? The only good dog movies are Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch and Beethoven's 2nd, and it's going to stay like that if I have anything to say about it.

  6. Songs over six minutes long- Look I’m a busy guy. The year is 2019, if a video is longer than 30 seconds, I’m probably not going to watch it. Hell, I think I’ve read three full articles this month and two of them were regarding the health of my early round fantasy football draft picks. My point here is that attention spans are dropping at a rapid rate and my brain doesn’t have time for your ‘intricate melodies’ and ‘well arranged soundscapes’. Just give me the damn drop already.

NBA please come back I miss you.

Off Season Predictions


The NBA just released this years schedule, which means the start of the season is inching closer and closer. With that being said, we are deep in the off-season at this point, the time of the year when people start yelling at Lebron for having fun at his kids AAU game or asking questions like “Why doesn’t Andre Drummond try shooting free throws sitting down?” If you’re a fiend for NBA Basketball like me, this is one of the hardest parts of the year. We’re past the excitement of the draft and free agency, but still have close to three months before the season even starts. That actually hurt to type out, but sadly it's true. But the one thing that the off-season is great for just so happens to be something else that I enjoy deeply; speculation. Enclosed I delve into my five off the wall predictions for this upcoming basketball season. Adam Silver always has a card up his sleeve, and in 2019 you never know what unlikely scenarios may be crazy enough to happen.


  1. The Los Angeles Clakers


 As a Portland native, I find joy when the Lakers lose basketball games. Call it petty, call it juvenile, I just call it what happened all last season. Zing! That being said, they got a lot better this off-season by adding one of the best players in the league, Anthony Davis. And trust me when I say that after what he did to the Blazers in the first round of the 2018 playoffs, the whole country should be quaking in their boots about what him and Lebron James could accomplish together. But what if I told you that a super team is only the stepping stone to a super-duper team? While the Lakers did acquire AD, they also lost a lot of depth. While one team that is known for their depth that just so happens to play in the same arena as the Lakers? Those meddling Clippers, with two superstar role players in Montrezl Harrel and Louis Williams. Oh, and did I mention that they added two superstars themselves this year with Kawhi Leonard and Paul George? If these two teams got together it would be game over for the league (not to mention ratings would be through the roof). Somethings brewing in Los Angeles and this time it’s not cold brew. Just look at this potential starting lineup:


PG: Patrick Beverley (NBA All-Defense first team 2017)

SG: Paul George (6x All-Star, All-NBA First Team 2019)

SF: Kawhi Leonard (2x NBA Finals MVP, 2x NBA Defensive Player of the Year)

PF: Lebron James (Lebron Frickin’ James)

C: Anthony Davis (6x All-Star, 3x All-NBA First Team)


Scoring on this team would be like Charlotte playing Sacramento on national TV; its not gonna happen. And wouldn’t you know it, Magic Johnson just stepped down from a leadership position. Gearing up for a potential return? You never know in The City of Angels baby.


2. Basketball(s)


This ones a little out there, but think about it this way, what does a juggler do when they start to lose the crowd? They add another ball. Boom instantly got the whole crowd on their side again. Throw in a little music, maybe Eye of The Tiger? Maybe add a bowling pin for some reason? That's one hell of an act right there. So now that we have that out of the way, you may be thinking what does this have to do with the NBA? I think it's time for the evolution we've all been waiting for. Two balls. How would this work you may ask? Simple. Two tip offs simultaneously at each teams free throw lines. Starting lineups expand to 8 people, three as permanent defenders. Thus they are not allowed to leave the inside of the opposing teams three point line. Other than that all rules are exactly the same. My favorite part of this idea is that it would be absolute chaos barely discernible as a sport, but for the first five days it would be absolutely hilarious. And isn’t it worth it, just for the giggles?


3. All-Star Week


The All-star break is one of the most obvious areas of improvement for the NBA. The Dunk Contest is fun once every three years, and I think twelve people watched the rising stars challenge this year. My favorite part of the festivities is watching Charles Barkley pretend like he didn’t start pounding vodka crans as soon as he landed. The players have long complained about the rigorous workload and schedule of the NBA season, which has led to discussions regarding longer breaks and shorter seasons. This is a double edged sword as a basketball fan because you want the players healthy and playing at their best, but at the same time I get bored easily so maybe more games is the solution. However I think I found the perfect solution which would attract new fans to the league, add a splash of drama to the whole thing, and provide the perfect relaxation that the players and coaches are hoping for. That's right, I’m talking about an All-NBA All-inclusive cruise, and its heading straight to Ibiza. Now you may be wondering, how would this attract new fans? Easy, turn it into a reality show. I even have some names that I was kind enough to think of to save the NBA some trouble. You’re welcome, comish. 


  1. All-Stars on deck!

  2. A Slam Dunk Spring Break

  3. A Slam Drunk Spring Break

  4. The Deep Sea Drive and Kick

  5. Dikembe Mutumboat (Hosted by Dikembe Mutumbo)


These are just a few directions worth exploring. A few more details I would love to see the league include:



  • Sleeping porch: Every Player sleeps in the same room

  • Open Bar: Everyone knows the best reality TV happens when people are plastered. I would love to see Chris Paul confront James Harden after his third long island iced tea.

  • Ban Drug Tests: Let the guys have some fun, ok?

  • Mandatory scheduled activities including capture the flag, ultimate frisbee, and a round-table discussion centered around the importance of mental health in the world of sports. It can’t all be fun and games, right?

  • Make Kawhi Leonard go

  • League wide Fortnite Tournament, loser has to play for the Cavs.


4. Get the fans in the mix!


In March of 2018, Scott Foster made his NHL debut for The Chicago Blackhawks in which he had seven saves to seal a 6-2 victory over the Winnipeg Jets. What makes this story interesting is that Scott Foster is an accountant who plays recreational men's hockey for fun. He was activated as an emergency backup after both the teams goalies got injured. This story was widely covered, and made the fans feel even closer to the game, despite the fact that they haven’t been to a gym since Gretzky. This got me thinking, why doesn’t the NBA have this? Keep in mind that this is in no way a ploy to get me into the NBA. I just think it would be fun if every ten games, a random member from the crowd is selected to enter the game as starting point guard. Think about the possibilities! Pregnant woman? Watch out for the post ups! A 6 year old child? Why the hell not?! Me? I mean there's a chance! If the NBA isn’t willing to adopt this somewhat radical policy, here's some other potential fan involvement opportunities.


  • Same policy as before, however instead of subbing in at point guard, we move the fan to the refs position. Alongside with getting unprecedented access to the games, would also give fans insight into just how bad they would be at being a referee despite their ability to call fouls from hundreds of feet away with perfect accuracy.

  • Every game a new fan becomes the mascot. I’m sure the trampoline dunks look easy but I’ve got a feeling once you put on the suit you won’t be feeling too confident.

  • Sacrifice one fan to Amenhotep, the Egyptian God of Healing and Wisdom, every game that falls on the second night of a back-to-back. If it works it works, right?


5. The Overtime Solution


I’ll admit, overtime is as exciting as it gets. Two teams with one last chance to give it all they got and take home the win. That being said, do we really need two of them? You think my schedule is just so wide open for the rest of the night that I’ve got an extra ten minutes because you guys couldn’t figure it out even with an extra five minutes? I mean I’m a reasonable guy but I’ve got appointments, ya know? So here are some potential solutions for the NBA that I could reasonably see them institute by October:


  • Team vs. Team dance battle: Think about it, you just left you’re all on the court only to be equally matched in every way. 48 minutes down, 5 to go. As time wanes, it's clear that neither team is able to break this stalemate. A last second heave is thrown into the heavens as the clock approaches zero, only to land in the hands of an unsuspecting fan three rows back. You see your coach pull out his clipboard, drawing the team in for a huddle. “What's the plan coach?” you say, drenched in sweat and running solely on your will to win. “I’m thinking we start with our Mambo No. 5 routine and transition into our robot breakdown. Break on three!” Wouldn’t that be more fun than 5 more minutes of basketball? Plus it would require the teams to be good at dancing which may lead to some surprising free agent signings. What are the Jabbawockeez even up to these days? I can’t imagine their busy.

  • Fan Vote: As the overtime wraps up, the fans must go on their phone and vote for who they want to win the game. This is genius because it raises fan involvement to the unprecedented level of deciding the outcome of games, and you could charge 99 cents a vote. This about the cash cow this would be. Hell, if this works out, might as well vote on the outcome of every game. Democracy is one of the great principles this country was founded on.

  • Who wore it better?: In the event of a tie (nice), the lights go dark as the court is quickly converted into a makeshift runway. As techno music fills the arena, the lights rise as each teams staff walks down the runway, each wearing their own blend of professional, but fierce, court-side garb. An important caveat of this rule is that the coaching staff must come to the games prepared for this outcome. How fun would it be to see Doc Rivers pulling in to the Staples Center with hoop earrings and a longline tee from Pacsun? Or Brad Stevens in an oversized Yeezy hoodie? I for one would cherish seeing coach Pop berating a referee draped head to toe in Gucci.



I don’t expect the league to adopt all these policies. One or two, maybe, if they know what's good for them. All I know for sure is that if the off season lasts any longer I might have to start watching baseball, which is not a reality I’m willing to accept.